I Hear Ya

Does this look like the face of a criminal? Perhaps a cruel, cold-hearted or devisive seductress?


I didn't really think so either. Perhaps once upon a time (for those of you who remember me in my more Jerry Springeresque days), I held far less regards for the feelings, thoughts and/or egos of others. I was a miserable cuss. I was judgemental, conceited and downright crude at times. For those of you who are familiar, entering a state of retrospection paints a pretty dismal picture. For those of you who I looked upon and treated with such blatant disregard, I am sorry.

These days, one would find a much different version of Nicole. If I were a purchased at a toy store (packaged in a cardboard box with a cellophane viewing-window), I would be the doll with the cheesy advertisement printed on the exterior: something like--"New and Improved! Now With COMPASSION!!" You can chuckle, it's okay. Sadly, it is true.



There was a time when I barely possessed the freedom to run to the restroom, however now I am one of the semi-unemployed and therefore you are subjected to TWO blogs today and not just one. Unlike its predecessor, there is a moral to this story (I think), so settle in and stay for a bit. I'll keep it as painless as possible.



Getting back on track...these days, one would find this rare species of 'Nicole,' indigenous to upper Manhattan and until recently, rarely seen in captivity. Fortunately for those around her, it appears that the more primitive and less evolved version has reached extinction and has only been seen on rare occasions. Something akin to a Sasquatch. Experiencing life as this 'newer' version, if you have been been following, brings with it exploration of foreign territory. Today, that territory was one of being that person who fails to reciprocate feelings to an admirer.



I hope your still there. I had not really decided from what angle I was going to attack this one, therefore this is strictly 'from the hip.' He is a friend. He is a dear friend and someone that I spend a significant amount of time with as well as confide in and he has seen me at my worst and most vulnerable. As much time as we have spent together, I feel nothing more for him than the love and affection of a friend. We all have experienced this. We all probably have someone in our lives that views us in a way that surpasses our feelings and desires for them. Lately, as I go through some of my own relationship angst, I have watched this person grow closer to me. I have felt, whether intuitively or assumingly, that his wishes have gone straight past the friendship boundaries and into the realm of significant other. If he reads this, he may deny those things. If he reads this, he may even accuse me of being mistaken. I very well may be. There is one thing that I know for sure, and that is this: yesterday, he made his postition extremely clear, even if it was unintentional.



Whilst sitting at Chipotle (uptown hotspot for you non-New Yorkers---kidding), talking about a boy that I once fancied (and still do), he expressed aloud that he wonders when I 'will realize that he is a perfect boyfriend for me.' Suddenly, my steak burrito bowl lost its appeal. My solar plexus knotted up, the butterflies were on amphetamines and I caught myself going into defense-mode. Allofasudden, I felt trapped, angry and sad all at the same moment. I had to look at my dear friend, straight in the eyes and explain what I thought we already knew. What I thought was a 'given.' What I thought....was simply 'understood.' I had to be the person that I have been so many times. I had to be the person that I have been the opposite of for so many years, living a fantasy, making assumptions, creating a dream....with someone else.


Isn't life funny? And...isn't God wonderful for teaching us lessons the way that he does. In a way, I am crestfallen. Someone that I respected, admired and loved as a friend and fellow, beautiful human being is now distancing himself from me. Doubtful that those I have had to do the same with in my life were so sad to see me go (being the wonderful person that I was/were/have been). This was my lesson for the day and maybe for the weekend. God, karma, the divine, the universe---whomever---takes our lives and flips them, rearranges them, positions them and places it all perfectly so that we see reflections of ourselves, learn lessons, become better and stronger.



I don't know what will happen with the friendship. I do not know where he will be. Inside, in his head or in his heart. That's none of my business. A dear friend once told me that I can't know what will happen....I don't know what will happen five minutes from now. He also told me that you have to make your word mean something. So...I did. I told him we were friends, and I meant it. It doesn't make it any easier to hear.