Inspired by Andy Dufresne

Life felt like a prison. The steel bars and shackles were theoretical, of course, created by my unbridled and somewhat crippling imagination. I still find myself there, as you have heard me describe before in this blog, confined to solitary and supplemented with nothing more than bread and water.

Lately I have begun the slow, peculiar and yet glorious process of nourishing oneself. To some, this may come as naturally as breathing in and out. To others (you know who you are), this is a skill which must be learned. It's not so bad, actually. I find it absolutely exhilirating and yet frightening at the same time. Alas, I press onward.

For some odd reason, as I was perusing the racks of the 'not-so-desirable' and wanton DVDs that can be found at various grocery stores, convenience spots and local pharmacies (ie previous employer), I spotted a dear, old classic--The Shawshank Redemption. Now I'm not saying I am comparable to Andy Defrain, his character's plight or his actions in the movie; I am simply stating that for whatever reason, although having seen this movie several times before, that I found inspiration in this character. Confined to a prison for a crime he did not commit (as I am sometimes confined to my head, thinking thoughts I did not invite), he never lost himself.

Relentlessly, he carved stones into chess pieces---a lover of the game. Stoicly, he navigated the prison, doing as told yet always maintaining his identity. Whether it was a voluntary offering of tax information or playing an Italian opera over the loudspeakers, he affirmed that his place in the world was to always remember who he was, no matter what the cost.

For a long time, I thought that I was doing the exact same thing: pioneering, creating my legacy, 'doing my time' and paying pennance in exchange for some prize like a laurel wreath, championship belt or some new empire. Sadly, I worked, I toiled, I struggled for nothing and for an image that was as transparent as the individuals who urged me along. I want to be like Andy Defrain. I want to write two letters a week, requesting the allocation of funds for literary materials and I want to do it until I have achieved my goal. I want to dig through a wall of plaster with a rock hammer, even if it takes me six years and unlimited patience if that's what it takes to live out life the way it has been planned.

I have begun experimenting, exploring and creating over the last couple of weeks, regaining strength and obtaining insights I had never possessed before. There was a time, as a young girl, that I baked, I concocted, I tested the waters of the culinary world. I am no baker, although my finished projects are usually edible. As I grew, I acquired a unique appreciation for pancakes. Yes, pancakes. GAME--BLOUSES. I can eat them anyway I can imagine on any day of the week and at any time of day. They represent one of the most versatile foodstuffs that has ever existed and I am quite confident that the world could possible sustain themselves on a steady diet of them. Yet I digress.

I had always wondered where this passion for these warm, flat, buttery and cake-like little morsels would take me. A diner? Perhaps, but I really don't see myself as a Wolfgang Puck. A constant admirer? I doubt that a pancake really cares. No, there was a reason for all of that mixing and measuring and creating---sometimes succeeding, sometimes failing. There was a reason I went to pharmacy school to obtain and incorporate a few more skills, just to solidify things. Like Andy Defrain, I will use my talents and skills to perform valuable service and be the model prisoner.

One day, not too far on the horizon, I will break free from my prison, crawl through that tunnel of mire and into the light of a new and glorious day. What I plan as I chip away at the plaster, tunneling through will not be to free my physical being...it will be to free my spiritual one.