I Would Have Probably Told Them They Were Full of IT

So I moved to New York City in October of 2008. This was a tough decision for some, although easily made by me. My grandmother, bless her soul, cried the day I left her home on North St. in our little Illinois town. My parents were likely indifferent as they most usually are about my endeavors; most of the time my life probably appeared to outsiders like an episode of Jerry Springer, a show put on by Barnum and Bailey or some wretched new-era, prime-time reality show.

I live here. By 'here' I mean deep in the heart of Manhattan in the Upper West Side. For those of you who do not know the city, this is an area that was (from what I am told) a much more morose and 'exciting' place filled with bars, lines of blow and rampant debauchery. Oh how it must have been! There is that little dark man inside of me (indeed I did say man) that such nostalgic fantasies appeal to in a strange way, yet I find that the quiet, lighter form of this part of the city in present day is simply perfect for my existence.

Everyday is a gift in the upper 70's, the friends I have made true family and the neighborhood quite the contrast to the assumptions and presumptions of other areas of the country.

When I came to the city, I was a girl lost in her own struggles, fighting an uphill battle and, despite having dear friends and family whom I love and adore, feeling extremely without purpose. THERE IS MAGIC IN THIS CITY. You spend enough time here and you'll hear it everywhere. Clowntown. Tit-town. Strollerville. Call it what you will, this is the center of the universe. I say that not with an arrogance but of honesty---this is the land of Oz, the place where you can be anyone that you want to be.

Quickly, I realized that I did not want to be anyone. Not just ANYONE. I wanted to be me. For those of you who do not believe in the power of the divine, the cosmos, God, fate, energy or whatever name you decide to pin on this force---I can assure you that all of this exists. Stumbling into the heart of her towering buildings and unkempt streets, I had no idea what each day would bring. I was still the girl planning my next move, strategizing, controlling, over-thinking. I was miserable. Almost a year in, I am realizing that here I will find my truth in existence.

The world is not flat as they thought in days long since passed, nor is it round as it would be explained by some---the world is magic. It is particles and energy and atoms abound and everything flows about in swirls of divine mastery, completely unable to be shaped or molded into anything. It simply just IS.

Everyday I grow. Everyday is a gift. Most importantly, everyday I find that love grows within me. There will be days where I feel loss, sadness, complacency, lack and all of the range of negative emotions. I must not forget that a short time ago, I was dark, lonely, desolate and desperate. That version of Nicole is not too far around the corner. Alas, however the corner has been turned and the new path lies ahead. With each step I find joy easier to accept and love easier to create. A dear friend here saw me one day, leaning against the post at my job on trip back to the pharmacy. I asked him as plainly as I could, as sincerely as I could have possibly been 'Will someone just tell me what is wrong with me?'. Just as he told me that day, he continues to reinforce the sentiment that there is nothing wrong with me, I am just a sick person getting well. I was never a bad person getting good.

I never believed that before. Not once in my life can I remember really believing that I was a good person, capable of having it all, fully equipped with all that I needed to live a full life.


So....here's to you New York, New York. The city does not sleep, this much is true. It's not because it cannot, it's because those who nestle within it's confine will not allow it. There is another city who stole the namesake 'City of Angels.' I have to disagree.....there are angels here. I see them everyday.