An Ithakian Once Told Me

Like an orange. Life. Thick skin on the outside (for some of us), juicy, sweet meat on the inside. If you can get to it. Day by day, we peel back the layers in search of the treasure.

Sometimes it feels like a navel orange, others a clementine.

Yesterday, just as I was beginning to think that I was nearing the reward of its sustenance, I felt as if I was encountering that thick, immensely undesireable white stuff that adheres to the outside of this wonderful fruit. You know the 'stuff' I am speaking of....stringy, annoying, abundant and basically lacking in flavor; it was always my deterrent for eating these silly fruits.

Again, we are talking about life, the orange being a metaphor, and it occurred to me that in my mind, a typical set-back, a minor event is always blown far out of proportion and feels like the end of the world. Put simply, it isn't. It is just life. It is just that one bad fruit out of the batch. It was the looming and ever present reminder that life is not always rosy and it is far from a garden of them. Yesterday, I was simply overwhelmed.

The sensation of being overwhelmed stemmed from the inability for my tiny brain to accept the fact that we don't change in a day, there are always elements we cannot control and it really is not the end of the world. It is simply one day.

Work was trying. Work was hot, stressful and wrought with cranky patients and demands. Work was pharmacy---typical day. Friends were calling. Friends wanted to hang out that evening. Old friends: the 'outside' friends. I miss those friends and I try to surround myself with them as much as possible, as often as possible. They represent my 'old life,' the one I am trying to exit, yet they are necessary for my survival in the 'new' one and precious to me. After work, there was a meeting. I was invited to attend, as usual, and I had the desire to go. But I wanted to see my friends. Meeting or friends. Tough decision. I'm supposed to be making phonecalls. I am supposed to be going everyday. I am supposed to have a sponsor. I AM TRYING.

There are so many elements to consider and so many situations involved. And yet I continue to consider myself unique. When I miss meetings, I feel guilty; guilt comes from the feeling that I am not giving my all, that I am not trying as hard as I can. I do this in every aspect of my life. It is part of the distorted thinking. The workaholic. The over-achiever. The 'Miss I'm Never Good Enough' crazy head trap. When I see my friends outside the program, I feel temptation, but I also feel whole and 'normal.' It is essential to maintain my relationship with them. They were there before I started my metamorphosis, and they will be there at the time of my emergence. My renewal. My fresh wings and bright eyes. Knowing all of this, still, yesterday I felt trapped; blocked off; cheated; like an insolent child.

Some days I don't want meetings. Some days I don't want to work. Some days, I want to run around Sheep's Meadow like a goddam hippie. At the end of the day, I am who I am and I must remember that these challenges are simple. It all comes down to one thing.

When I traveled to Greece, I spent my time on the island of Ithaca, Ithaki, the island of Odysseus. It was healing. It was magic. One day, I will live there---this is inevitable. A friend I made while abroad had told me, whilst sitting outside a monestary, that there is only one thing that is essential to life for one to succeed. He was no soothesayer, no wiseman, no profit. This was not the Oracle at Delphi or the mighty Sphynx. This was simply a man. A sweet man whose rivers ran still and deep. 'Dear Nico,' he said, 'the secret to everything is balance. Only balance.'

Now the first thing I want to do is argue. The second thing I want to do is run back to shove my hands in and begin to manipulate and control my life. I pause, take a breathe, and remember this word. Although he is far away, although I may never see him again, as simple as he is---he knows. Thank you Stavros for granting me such insight. Thank you for giving me such a wonderful fruit to peel. You are my Oracle at Delphi.