Taking Out the Trash

Here's a little throat chakra action for ya'....blue, the color of the throat chakra, the center of energy by which we control how we communicate with one another from our hearts and our minds through our voice.



Today, I felt like embracing the inner-child, the child within me, the same child within all of us who experienced life and took with it all of the lies, lessons, support, harshness and love into our adult lives. Here I sit, nestled in my down comforter, in the middle of my bed (and comfy it is!) in my studio on 70th Street.



Before I returned to the city, I found a stack of pictures of myself, my brother and my sister as precious youngsters, smiling for the camera, innocent, pure and lacking the premonition of what our lives would be like in the future. Now, the pictures sit atop my altar (a holy place for prayer and meditation, not sacrificing rats) to remind me that we are still those little children inside, though our outsides have grown and aged and matured.



I suppose that my reflection in this entry is one of epiphany: the realization that I grow a little everyday, I wipe off some of the old dirt to find that buried child---and people insist on PILING IT BACK ON! On of the most difficult thigs for us to accomplish in this life, is the practice of unconditional love.



Case in point: I loaned my sister a lump sum of money a couple weeks ago for a large purchase she needed to make for her survival in the working world. I did so with the reassurance that I would receive the funds, in full, within a short period of time, after this takes place, once I get this and so on....I trust her. I love her. Of course, I would always be there for my siblings or anyone that I care for and give my whatever I could to assist in a time of need. She was in need and I obliged. Here comes the tricky part: the pay-off. As we get closer to the time of reimbursement, the debtor struggles with the debt. I have borrowed money numerous times. I have failed to pay people back, as well. What is occurring is a shear act of karmic wonder, I can assure you. I love my sister, however when faced with her communications about not having the funds as planned, I found difficulty in deriving the proper words to convey my feelings.

As I struggle within myself, day-to-day, in sobriety and outside of it, I realize that one of the most difficult things I encounter is making my word mean something. Within this activity comes a wealth of responsibility. Sometimes, you have to say what you mean: this means being honest. I realize, it is a terrible notion, as most day to day interactions omit this basic element of respect and dignity. Sometimes, the words you have to say ellicit reactions from others which require us to be responsible for continuing the conversation, defending ourselves and possibly hurting someone else.

I suppose the point that I am trying to get to, in such a roundabout way, is that when presented with the notion that money loaned so quickly and with such ease would not be returned under the same pretenses, I felt a bit indifferent. I guess there was a touch of anger, a bit of betrayal and even an twinge of foolishness sprinkled in the mix. I love my sister, wish all the best for her and would even gladly give up the money if I had it to spare. I politely stated my position and reiterated our agreement, and much to my dismay, I was met with resistance and even felt a bit of a backlash. As I said, sometimes the action of adding meaning to words comes with its own repercussions; my dear sister, no doubt hurt and disappointed at my response, lashed out at me about my 200K yearly salary and why I needed the money so badly. I wish someone had told me I made 200K a year! I would likely go searching for it--I could use some right about now!

I love her and cherish her and will undoubtedly reach an agreement on the loan. This entry is not about a loan, it is of course about the continuous daily lessons, the rigorous path on the way to discovering who I really am.

In two days time, two people I considered close to me have turned a mirror on me; in that mirror, I see a reflection of my former self. I am changing. The process is no prestige, I can assure you. No 'abracadabra' here. Nonetheless, I am changing just the same. It is time to stand up for myself, make my words mean something, gain some respect and stop giving all that I have to others, leaving the crumbs for me.

I will continue to love these people, but I have to let them know that the game has changed. I try not to hit that ball back anymore. Harsh words and hurtful accusations will not provoke me....not the way they did before. Perhaps one day, when I have reached that pinnacle to which I march toward, these moments will occur less and less. Perhaps not. Until then, I keep working, loving and cleaning. There is still a lot of dirt on this girl, but through the cracks I see her peeking through. Yep, it's her....and I think she'll shine up just like a new penny.

I love you Toni.